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Santa Belongs on The North Shore, Not the North Pole

Posted on Tue, 2014/12/23 - 3:54pm by Jeff Mull

With Christmas just a few days away, we were left with the revelation that Santa needs to pack up ship and move. Specifically, from the North Pole to the North Shore. Because this post is directed at Santa—and we've heard he's partial to these types of things—we've created a list.

Sand Over Snow
Yes, the snow can be a wonderful thing. A beautiful thing, to be precise. But when we conjure of images of snowfall, we typically think of a light dusting falling romantically on our shoulders. What we don't realize is that snow can also be a very brutal thing. Imagine waking up at 6 am to scrape the ice off of your sled every morning. That's the reality of life on the North Pole. So, Santa, now that we have your ear: forget the snow and opt for sand. We have tons of it up here. The reindeers will adapt and Mrs. Clause can work on her tan.

It's An Easy Change of Address
We've been addressing letters to you for years now without a proper zip code, but lo and behold you always get them. Why not change your address from Santa Clause, "North Pole," to "Santa Clause, North Shore?" It's an easy, one-word fix. Boom, you now live on the North Shore.

Surf More, Sled Less
Can we be honest for a moment, Mr. Clause? We love your whole get up, we really do. The milk, the cookies, the gift-giving. It's perfect. But you've put on a few pounds over the years and there's nothing like the North Shore lifestyle to get you fit. Surfing, swimming, hiking, and munching on farm-fresh ingredients will get you down to your fighting weight in no time. Plus, you'll be more aerodynamic when you make your Christmas rounds. Less wind drag, we think. So come on down to the North Shore, we're saving a spot in the lineup for you.